Unrelenting Grace

Reflections

morethanforever — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 05:32:19 +0000

The last month particularly has been really exhausting. A lot I’ve realized because I haven’t been trusting God for strength. These are thoughts I written down so I could process it but I hope you find them edifying.

Where I was.
It is much easier for me to find my justification in what I do, in what I achieve, in what others say of me, than in Christ. All of those are a usurping of the throne of Christ and are placing my faith and belief in myself. It is easier, simpler, more self fulfilling to believe in that which I can know on my own power and name tangibly. To the outsider the life appears the same. It’s composed of the same actions, prayer, reading of the word, meeting with people, serving, but at a foundational level it’s built on something entirely different. It’s built on my own power and my own word. There’s fundamental unbelief of God and self-serving pride at the root of both of those. The end of my actions is to build up my ego and my security in attempts to earn God’s approval. So I met with people more than ever. Good things, but my attitude was to assure myself that I was bearing fruit and walking in obedience instead of trusting that Christ’s work on the cross was already sufficient. There was some sort of sick thrill or rush, knowing that I was making the grade, and knowing that the people around me approved of me. I so often surrender myself to the opinion of others instead of the opinion of my Father. Because I wasn’t daily trusting and knowing the power of Christ, it wasn’t on my tongue either. I wasn’t trusting, I wasn’t tasting, I wasn’t proclaiming. I wasn’t bold with the Gospel, because I wasn’t excited about it. It lost its rawness and reality so opportunities would go by to stir conversation or seek or take chances on Jesus’ fame and I would intentionally miss them entirely. The means became an end. I met with people in the name of Jesus, but not for the sake of Jesus. It was about my meeting with people and that was all. I found my justification and satisfaction in that so it ended there. Jesus was a good reason to call up friends, but he wasn’t the end and he certainly didn’t make it into conversation. Upon all that I wasn’t taking time for myself. My worth was in what I did and so I gave myself no grace to take time for myself, even less to be served by others. My pride set meeting with people as the top priority. That was my god and so nothing else came between me and that. I spent a large amount of spare time in the Word but it wasn’t changing because I learned a lot about God, without ever knowing God through it. Worse, prayer and communing with God and silence before God stopped. The Bible became a textbook.

How I got there.
I’ve struggled with trying to earn approval all my life. All grade school and a lot of times at Wheaton the most important thing in my life was other’s opinions. Achievement and appearances were end goals. As the God worked in my life, revealing the truths of the Gospel to me, these things have begun to lose their grip. However, as I grew up, I was more often able to get the approval of friends and family, whether through service in the church or personality or possessions or experiences. The graciousness of God no doubt, not in granting those things per se, but in holding them off until I had matured so that they would not entirely write God out of my scope of life. I was always at a point where I felt ‘I had tasted too much of God’s faithfulness and power to doubt his existence or the truth of the Gospel’. I’m beginning to see the falsity of that statement and naivety. The biggest problem is the self-trust of the statement. Now I see the ridiculousness, but then I thought I was strong enough. The second problem is that I’ve never really had to trust God for much. I’ve always had everything I needed to survive and most things I wanted. Family, friends, stuff, health, vacations, so much grace there, but it never developed depth in my belief. Any trust I had in God had been almost fake situations, like a controlled experiment. Mission’s trips I went on, serving in the church, standard middle-class American life. That’s why it’s harder for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven. We don’t see our need for God at first, and once we do, it’s harder to remember that we still need him. I don’t know why I’m speaking of this like it’s the past. Faith is a have-it-or-don’t. It’s the situation that’s the variable; and so I’ve seen God’s providence in profound, but still small ways. I’m thinking specifically of a time in India where we were driving from village to village and were exhausted and one of the leaders suggested we read Hebrews 11 where it talks of Christ and his sufferings. It was great to see the Word bring life to our weary souls, but it was still only a week and a half trip, and all told it really wasn’t that draining. These past months are the most I’ve had to trust God before. I don’t love Beijing. I like being around hundreds of people I know. I’ve never had to live with such ugly furniture before. Not to mention that the spiritual battle here is more intense that it ever felt at Wheaton. Life is real here. And it’s a year long. I can’t just up and out when I feel like it and the end is still a ways off.

Ok so this didn’t happen overnight either. When I got here I was much firmer in my knowledge of God, but it was also a lot shallower. Actually, probably a lot of that firmness came from pride. After about two or three months I started to hit the grind and I would end up deeply trusting God one moment, and then literally twenty minutes later, entirely unsure of myself. And some days I would cycle through that three (or more?) times. My faith was gaining depth as I began to encounter more difficult experiences with friends and longer periods in more uncomfortable situations but it was also lacking any steadiness. That went on for awhile and I slowly began to put more stock in what I could touch and feel in the here and now. My experiences and my actions and me and myself replaced God. Ministry was more and more about me and it drained me until I collapsed emotionally.

Grace.
The first thing I was admonished to do was check where my heart was grounded. To really take time and think through where I was placing my trust. I had completely forgotten that God is faithful and that he was still working even when I didn’t see it and that he was still reigning and still worthy of my worship. The truths of the Gospel began to make sense again, but at a much deeper level. Because Christ is risen, everything else is still worth doing. He’s worthy of my belief, and my worship and perseverance. He’s restored boldness and I’ve gotten to see the work of the Spirit in my interactions. I understand more now, what it means to walk in faith, not having all the answers, but taking God at his word and obeying based on that. I’ve seen the importance of really taking time to commune with God and foster that real relationship. It’s also been awfully humbling to realize how little I know about God and myself and the world. And because of that it’s really freeing to not have judge myself by my own actions or pretend that others are judging me. Life feels real again. Everything makes more sense now in the light of the Gospel. That’s really vague. But it’s hard to put a finger on it. It’s not about my work here, or what others think, or even my relationship with God. It’s about me worshiping him. Not about what I can gain from Christ. Christ himself is the reward. This much I know still, that God will continue to be faithful in my life.

Justification, Joy, & Rest

morethanforever — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:46:35 +0000

It seems I either spend my time relatively oblivious to my sin and happily so, or I spend my time overwhelmed by my depravity though still holding joy that I am justified. The problem is that I don’t often bring the two together. The first posture is dangerous. It is naive. The second is good so long as it forces you to realize that love and grace go much deeper than any depravity we could know. We ought to know our depravity, but dwell on the love that has been given lavishly. Herein is our rest and quiescence.

Humility

morethanforever — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:09:28 +0000

So, last week, I asked God to humble me and show me my sin. He did, and it sucked. But now I’ve repented and it’s so much better being aware of it and trying to avoid it than being oblivious to it. I’ve also been reading a book about how Peter stumbles. Satan asks to sift him and God let’s him fail, but God is faithful and turns him around, and afterward uses him to strengthen the church. We will be disciplined because we won’t be perfect this side of heaven. It all seems painful in the moment but eventually it produces righteousness and peace. Well worth it.

Priorities

morethanforever — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:23:48 +0000

God has been moving in incredible ways, not only among our friends, but also in my life. When we first arrived one of the long termers reminded us that our primary priority is to worship God. Making friends and sharing with them is secondary to our own relationship with God. It’s like Mary when she’s sitting at the feet of Jesus. When we rest in God, all the rest of our activities are enabled by God because we are doing them through his power and not our own. I finally experienced that last week when I got to spend hours and hours worshiping God. Not only did I feel energized, but I had no trouble getting the things done I needed to and it was a great week for meeting and sharing with people. Praise God for his faithfulness. Let me encourage you to try ‘wasting’ hours with no specific ending point. Spend it reading the Word, praying, singing, whatever, and see what happens.

Life as an exam

morethanforever — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:28:07 +0000

Why do people change their beliefs or opinions? How, or more specifically, what process do they go through to come to a new realization? What’s the difference between a belief or opinion anyways? Do people ever come to new realizations or are they all reevaluated old conclusions? I don’t really know, but in thinking recently, I’ve come to realize that life is a lot like taking an exam in school. You write down the answers as best you know. While you’re taking the exam, you know, or think, they’re all correct. It’s only when you get the exam back with red ‘X’s that you go back and think through the questions again. In life, we’re constantly taking the exam and the correct answers are ‘truth’. The premise is that we have how ever long we’re alive to figure out the correct answers before time is up. We can change the answers as often as we like, but the object is to find truth. Now, like in an exam, people are at different points on different questions. Some are sure of some answers, some don’t know, some just don’t care. As people who are convinced we know the truth, we must persuade people to reevaluate and then guide them in the right direction.

I need to go pack and then leave for a 2 week vacation. To be continued….

Irrelevant

morethanforever — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 08:01:40 +0000

What is relevance? Relevance is ‘trendy,’ keeping with the times. Media needs to be relevant. Celebrities are relevant. As Christians we are not called to be relevant, only to proclaim the Gospel. So this is a confession as much as it is anything else. After reading Nouwen’s In the Name of Jesus I realize that I have chasing relevance. The problem is that relevance is unattainable. It changes on the minute and it leaves people empty. Moreover, as a follower of Christ, it means nothing. There isn’t anything wrong being relevant as long as you never remove your focus from the cross and never compromise the message; possible but difficult, but possible nonetheless. But relevance is so easy to slip into, especially in ministry when we put our reputation and our image above our faithful obedience. I keep telling myself that I’ll share the Gospel as soon as I have enough ‘image.’ When people are familiar with you, they’re more likely to listen to what you have to say seriously, no denying that, but that’s no excuse to be hiding.
I guess like all else it’s subtle. Some people are granted it, some are not. But regardless how much or little we have of it, we shouldn’t be chasing it. It’s not our focus and it’s not something we need by any measure.
The backdrop to all this is my move overseas. People there won’t care what I’ve accomplished or how many friends I have back home or anything at all. I’m just one face in a billion. Literally. But my task isn’t to achieve relevance. It’s faithfulness and obedience.

Leadership Summit 09

morethanforever — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 03:03:23 +0000

I haven’t forgotten about my blog or not had deep thoughts. Just been real busy this summer. Here’s some of my fav quotes/points from the Willow Creek Leadership Summit this year.

‘Cash simply gives you time’ – Bill Hybels (Willow Sr. Pastor)
‘The reason for your separation from God is your damnable good works’ – Tim Keller (Pastor @ Redeemer Pres in NYC)
‘The prodigal son didn’t have a true elder brother….but you do’ – Tim Keller
A Third Culture leader: 1. is focused on the fringe 2. uses a different set of metrics 3. understands obedience -Dave Gibbons (Pastor of Newsong Church)
‘Can we take the benefits of a globalized economy…without facing the responsibilities’ – Bono
‘Leadership is a blessing. It’s a gift from God and we should use it.’ – Tony Blair
What is your ‘irreducible core?’ The things you absolutely hold to be true? – Tony Blair

Yup, I got to hear from Bono and Tony Blair. Pretty sweet huh? Fuller notes from these and more here. (Not my site)

Letting go.

morethanforever — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 04:04:26 +0000

Every time someone says ‘I’m a failure’ or ‘I feel incompetent’ I think, ‘Right, you are. You need to rely on Christ.’ Let go of trying to succeed on your own. Let God move. Then it’s really his success. So no. On this earth we’ll never be ‘successful.’ The only time we are, is when we let go. In which case it’s really God who’s successful and gets the glory. So in one sense I’m content in my failure in that I’ll never amount to more than that. At the same time, striving for perfection. That didn’t make any sense. But it’s truth

Don’t blink

morethanforever — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:42:03 +0000

It feels like I’m saying bye to Wheaton and Naperville for the 5th time. So many memories. Almost all of my last two years revolved around this place. It’s weird being half done college. I still remember being a freshman. Time goes so fast. In the words of Kenney Chesney, “Life goes faster than you think; so don’t blink.”

Sick

morethanforever — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:01:05 +0000

In the country I’m in now, the dominant religion broadcasts a call to prayer five times a day. It’s atonal and sounds, as my Grandma caricatured, ‘like someone’s sick’. It honestly sounds like moaning. But isn’t that what prayer is? We are sick creatures calling out for mercy. Although the rest of their theology may be wrong, and whether they recognize it at all, they and all the rest of us are sick. We are moaning, in need of redemption.